I used to be a singer, evangelist, toured in a band and hung out with musicians. I had a billion friends and lots of time to spend with them. People used to recognize me when we were out: my long blonde big hair stood out and all the times I got to speak and sing in public made people who I didn’t even know, felt they knew me. I loved those days and remember them fondly.
God called me home when my daughter was born almost 15 years ago.
I just realized it’s been about one-third of my life! I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. As a creative extrovert, there has always been a part of me that has wanted to keep relevant and public. During my stay at home years I’ve run an at home business, led worship part time, and participated in various events outside the home. Every single time I try to run back and find myself, God calls me back to the home, and my husband and children, not to make THEM my identity, but to point them to Jesus. And I’m so grateful.
While I’ve enjoyed managing meal calendars with fun stickers, singing lullabies and hymns to nursing babies, and finding ways to worship while cleaning toilets…it has wiped away all the glamour and accolades from what used to be a kind of public life. When my kids were little, they thought I was a sort of celebrity when I knew people everywhere we went. We now quietly run in and out of stores, without being recognized as the “singer girl and her kids.”
My body has been morphed by eight pregnancies, my blonde hair is now brown (and let’s be honest, a little gray), and someone please bring me to a make up counter to teach me how to do middle aged make up! I’m no longer surrounded by lights and smoke, but little boys and girls growing into men and women. And I realized recently, I’ve lost myself.
Several years ago, a dear friend challenged me to find my identity outside of music.
I wondered if I could. Subconsciously, I tried finding my identity in other ways. But over the past few years…I’ve found that an identity in and of myself is virtually meaningless. Yes, God has given me gifts. I can (and intend to) use them to bring Him glory and I even intend to enjoy those gifts. (I literally JUST had someone ask me to consider using music in my ministry again…so please don’t think I’m abandoning music altogether. It’s a gift to use, but being the music girl is no longer my identity. This is a GOOD thing.) Losing myself has been one of the greatest gifts of being a homeschool mom. Music, business ventures, even my husband and kids, my home; NONE of it can give me lasting fulfillment.
Recently, going through the routine aspects of my day; making meals, cleaning up, tidying the house, I was listening to some of my old favorite tunes. Watermark came up in the playlist, and this lyric just brought me to grateful tears:
If I ever find my life, then I’ve lost it
For there is nothing more to life
Than to lose myself while I’m
Running, running, running
Running after You
It was like Matthew 10:39 came to life in my heart. As a homeschool mom I’ve had the gift of no longer running after my own life, but running after Jesus.It’s literally the main reason I’m home with my kids: to run after Jesus with them and to live out His call to me as a parent in Deuteronomy 6:5. He has been a constant, running after me. I’m surrendering to Him, and losing my life for His sake…and I’m finding my life, in Him.
I’m so thankful for the precious calling on my heart. Giving up my own life for the call He has had on it, has given me the perspective I need to pursue Him more passionately. Losing my life as a homeschool mom for Jesus…and thankful for it.