Responding to the Loneliness of a Disconnected Culture

Responding to the Loneliness of a Disconnected Culture

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 14 years. Before that, I office’d out of my home where I had minimal contact with humans during the day. As an external processing extrovert, this hasn’t always been easy.

With the advent of social media, smart phones, and a disengaged culture, this has become more of a struggle. My kids are older and we don’t “play” with other moms and kids like we used to do. I know I’m not alone in feeling lonely, disconnected and forgotten at times. We don’t talk on phones anymore. We send texts or comment on social media, or perhaps on e-mail. My kids barely even know how to answer the phone. We haven’t had a landline for years. I get that it’s our culture. There’s little I can do to change the world around me. But it bothers me.

I’ve tried to do my part. Instead of texting my neighbor to see if she has an egg or powdered sugar, I try to call. I’ve made it a goal to send a hand written note to people in my life once a week. I don’t always do it, but I continue to make an effort.

disconnected culture

My family was alone this past Thanksgiving. We had a lovely day together as a family, but it was sad for me too. It was another feeling of disconnect from others. So when I received a phone call from a childhood friend, I was seriously shocked and surprised. Mike called just to wish my family and me a Happy Thanksgiving and to bless and encourage us. When I answered his call, he told me he prefers the “personal touch” to a texted message. I can’t even tell you how much this encouraged my heart. It made me feel human. I felt remembered, encouraged, and loved. It was a simple, short phone call, but it literally made my whole day.

disconnected culture

There has always been power in reaching out to others with a personal touch. It seems today, the power has increased exponentially. We are a lonely culture. No one ever thinks I’m lonely. I have an abundance of beautiful friends and contacts. It’s true. However, I’m not immune to feeling the sense of “alone” in our disconnected world. None of us are.

I’m so challenged by my friend’s simple, but kind gesture. It’s not the first time he has surprised me with encouragement, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I want to learn from Mike, and reach out and tell the people around me that I love them, the specific things about them for which I am thankful. I hope you join me in this challenge. Just a simple, small step to reach out and touch someone’s heart with a personal call or letter or invite to coffee or lunch can have an impact on the people in our lives.

How to Become a Wise and Peaceful Parent

How to Become a Wise and Peaceful Parent

When I speak with moms about making connections to our kid’s hearts, I often hear things such as: “How can you stay so calm? I’m way too fiery.” Or, “How do you know what to say? I could never think to say those kinds of things to my kids in the moment.”

I want to share with you a little secret. When my parenting paradigm began to shift to a more connected approach, I was fiery and didn’t know what to say either. To be totally truthful, I’m STILL fiery. My personality and temperament are a gift from God and they haven’t changed.

A change has taken place, not in my personality, but in my submission to God’s beautiful ways…which are not my own. As I understand more of who God truly is and what it really means to walk in unity with Him, I am able to trust and submit more of who I am, to let Him mold me.

I mess up. A lot. When I was beginning to learn the messages of connection from Connected Families…the mess ups were sometimes, literally, All. Day. Long. I wanted to communicate safety, love no matter what, that my kids were capable and responsible for their actions. However, that didn’t always happen.

My kids were just laughing about a day that I THOUGHT I was living out the messages. At the sweet age of 8, I told my son that because he argued with all of my instruction that he could live a day WITHOUT instruction and parent himself. I thought this was so creative. I was going to teach him to listen to me! What I ACTUALLY communicated was rejection, throughout the day. I remember talking to my friend Jim on the phone later in the afternoon telling him what I had done. I felt depressed, realizing I had pushed my boy away and did nothing to grow anything lasting in him. Jim helped me come up with ways to communicate better with my boy, and thankfully we ended the day with a strong message of acceptance and love.

Often times, though I WANTED to communicate grace-filled responses, my old responses of anger, control, conditional love, and “you aren’t capable,” would creep into my interactions with my kids. It isn’t in the natural part of my spirit to give life-giving, always loving messages.If I make a mistake and then tell myself, “I’ll never change, I just can’t do this. I’m too fiery. I don’t know what to say,” then I’m also saying, “My kids aren’t worth me sacrificing myself for better parenting.” I love my kids passionately…but I’m not able to walk in perfection. Letting go of perfection has helped. 

wisdom

So, let’s get practical. When I find myself responding with anger or sarcasm, saying or doing something that isn’t my new heart for parenting, I do the following: I stop. I remove myself from the situation and take time to calm myself before I say any more. I ask God for wisdom. Then I go back and practice what we call a “do-over.” I look at my child and simply say, “I’m sorry. When I was sarcastic just now, that isn’t that kind of parent I want to be, nor the message I want to give to you. Will you forgive me? May I have a do over?” Then, I try the interaction again, sharing the messages I want to share, in a manner that shows love and safety to my child. 

In the beginning, my do-overs were numerous times a day. As I continued to practice this act of evaluating, repenting, apologizing, trying again, I started to notice something. Sometimes, I would stop myself right in the middle of an immature interaction and try again. Then, one day, I realized my do-overs were getting less and my wisdom-filled responses started becoming more of who I was.

An added bonus, I was communicating several strong messages to my kids:
  1. It’s OK to be authentic and bring mistakes to the light.
  2. Modeling repentance and asking for forgiveness has given them the tools to do this in their own relationships.
  3. Grace and truth are high values in our home.
  4. God changes our hearts, and sanctification takes time. We can be patient with each other as we grow.

After years of practicing do-overs, calming myself, and communicating unconditional love, safety, humility, and wisdom to my children, it has become more of who I am. It is more natural now. God has been using my continual trusting Him in the midst of my own misbehavior to change my heart, over time. So much so, that I don’t even recognize myself in the comments from the moms with whom I’m blessed to interact. 

You can do this too. You don’t need to stay enslaved to a temperament that needs refining. Growing in wisdom takes time. I don’t have all the answers and say everything perfectly to my kids. However, I’m doing better. You can do better too. Let go of the perfectionistic thoughts that tell you, you have to do it right all the time to do it at all. Those are lies from an enemy who wants to steal our kid’s hearts. Fight it. The victory is already yours, waiting for you to pick it up and take it. You CAN connect with your kid’s hearts.